Cost of Choices

I've been thinking a lot about the cost of choices.

I have held onto my belief that it is too hard to eat healthy and to cook for most of my life.  Just the thought of cooking stresses me out and overwhelms me.  No, it's much easier to ignore it.

I've been overweight almost my entire life.  Most of it I didn't really care or I cared but not enough to actually change anything. Or I didn't care because I didn't care about myself.

A few years ago I was feeling the effects of my choices and decided I had had enough.  I was going to get healthy. I discovered I loved working out.  I loved hiking and pushing myself to do what I thought I couldn't do.  I had lost 100 pounds. I took my blood sugar from out of control to in control non diabetic levels and had my blood pressure and blood work in excellent shape.

 I was on my way to becoming healthy until I remembered cooking and eating healthy were just too hard for me.  Nope, I tried but the idea of cooking for the rest of my life was just too hard, too overwhelming so I gave up trying.

The truth is I expected my body to be able to handle anything I threw at it. From unhealthy foods to Spartan races.  I didn't really expect my choices to come with such a steep cost.  Now I keep going back to cooking healthy is harder than what?

I started my journey to better health when at the age of 32 I failed a stress test.  It turned out that it was a genetic heart condition that would require me to eat healthy, exercise, and take a pill everyday to be able to manage.  I could to that.  That doesn't sound too hard.  But wait?  I need to eat healthy?  I need to cook?  It's sooo hard.  Agh, I'll try.  It's easier to eat out.  It's easier to not think about what I'm going to make, what I'm going to by, standing in the kitchen preparing the food.  Ugh, really I have to do that for the rest of my life?

It's too hard to eat healthy! I just can't do it anymore.

Surely, it's easier to just regain 50 pounds and tear the ligament in my foot from the weight it is having to hold up.  Cook? No!  I'll just be over here crawling to bed because I literally can't stand to take one more step on my broken foot.

Osteoarthritis in my knee?  Eh, it's not hurting me.  Sure I can't kneel on it and it is hard to go up and down the stairs but it's not that bad.  It's surely easier than cooking.  No, I'm good I'll just live with the discomfort.

I need to eat healthy because I'm prediabetic?  Eh, I'm not feeling it.  It doesn't matter.  Besides cooking is too difficult.  It's just a lot of work.  You have to stand at the counter and that just hurts my back.  And yeah okay so I couldn't get out of bed for 3 days because I threw out my back washing my hands but that's in the past.  My back feels great most of the time.  No, no I'm fine life is okay.  I don't need to cook healthy.  It's a lot of work and I just can't bring myself to do it.

Oh, I'm diabetic now.  Okay so I just need to take a pill and test my blood sugar once a day...and change my eating habits.  Okay, I can take a pill and test my blood sugar but changing my eating habits won't be easy. You see I'm stuck in my ways.  I've eaten out practically every day since I was 14 years old.  I can't change that.  I don't want to change that.  It's a lot of work. It's too hard.  I'm not feeling the effects.  It will be okay.  You know I don't even think I need to be taking this pill or testing.  I'm fine. Really.

Okay, okay my blood pressure is high.  Yes, yes, I need to change my diet and exercise.  Okay, I will take this pill. It's one pill a day.  I can handle one pill....but changing my diet?  Eh, that might be hard.  I'm not sure that's doable.  Yeah, it's too overwhelming.  I'll just take my one pill a day....but yeah, no I'm not feeling high blood pressure.  I don't need a pill. I'm fine.

Doctor, my stomach is killing me.  Change my diet?  Uh....okay I can try but my stomach is really killing me.  A gallstone the size of a golf ball?  Surgery okay I can to that but changing my diet.  It's just too hard. I can't it's just too overwhelming.  It was much easier to lay in a hospital bed for a week with complications and barely be able to get out of bed for 3 months that to change my eating habits.  Cooking? Eh, no.

It's much easier to regain 99 pounds and barely be able to walk about the happiest place on earth.  My calf is tight.  It's only getting worse and my knee, oh my knee is killing me.  Surely not being able to walk more than a few steps for almost 9 months is easier than cooking healthy, right?!  What do you mean I tore my meniscus in half? Oh, it couldn't take the abuse of the excess weight anymore?  Okay, well what are my options?  Live with the pain or lose weight and get back to my active lifestyle?  Eh, give me the shot.  The pain is okay.  Losing weight is hard.  Yeah, I'd like to but dang that 100 pounds was a battle the first time, I can't do it again. 

Yeah, I know that I should have been testing my blood sugar and taking my one pill a day but it was just two hard.  I didn't think it was worth the effort.  Oh now you want me to take a pill three times a day and test morning and night, and change my eating habits.  Yeah I can take the pills but eating healthy?  I don't know about that.  I've tried and failed.  It's just too hard.

What do you mean my blood pressure is stroke level high?  Pill?  It was too hard to remember.  I didn't feel the blood pressure was that high?  Check it?  No, yes I know I said I would be I just knew it was okay and really it was just easier to not think about it.  I can't exercise?  Too dangerous?  I could have a stroke?  Okay, I will take these three pills and consider changing my diet but I'll need to really think about it.  It's sooo hard to do the right thing. It's hard to shop and chop.  My food is bland and has no taste.  Ugh, it's just too hard.  I can't do it.

Yeah, I know I have barely walked in 9 months because of my knee and my weight but I'm feeling great now.  I'm going to go walk three miles.  No!  It's a great idea.  I want to do it so I'm doing it.  See I did it....ugh my foot won't move, I think I may have snapped my achillies.  Tendonitis?  Okay, yeah it probably wasn't the best idea to go walk 3 miles after sitting around for 9 months and putting on 50 pounds.  Eating right can help the inflammation?  What else do you got?  Eating right is too hard.  It's overwhelming.  Yeah, no.

Oh yeah I haven't really been great about taking my pills.  It was just easier not to think about it.  Oh my blood sugar is really out of control?  I wouldn't know, I haven't tested it.  You know how it goes out of site out of mind.  Oh okay, yeah I can take a shot once a day, take my three pills, and test three times  a day.

My stomach is killing me!  I feel like I'm going to pass out every time I stand up.  I feel sick and nauseous all the time.  What? Yes, I know that I'm on a lot of medicine that can be the source of my troubles.  Yes, I will consider cleaning up my diet but I can't stand the pain.  What is wrong?  Food allergies.  Black pepper?  That's in everything.  How am I suppose to live eating at home all the time.  That's so boring.  I don't know that just seems so hard. 

An ulcer in my throat.  Ugh, I have to change my diet.  Noooo, but why?  I don't want to take yet another pill but I don't want to change my diet either.  Maybe I'll consider my options for a while. 

What?  My ulcer isn't better and you think my stomach isn't working?!  Ugh, God help me I'm in pain everything hurts.  Make it stop.

Oh my....I can't see!  Everything is blurry.  I think I'm losing my eye sight.  Blood sugar?  What's my blood sugar.  Yes, I know I should have been testing it three times a day and it's been three weeks since my last test...but it was 220.  I've been doing the right things....mostly.  I deserve a lower blood sugar rating.  My eating?  Yeah I'm thinking about cooking healthy.  There's a lot to consider.  It just takes sooo much time an energy.  Okay, yes fine my blood sugar is 505, I see the need for testing every day.  Will my vision return?  What if I never see clearly again?  I will be faithful to my two shots a day and my three pills, and testing. 

I will consider eating healthy, but really it's a lot of work.

Okay so my stomach is barely working.  You want me to take this pill that really doesn't work and can cause involuntary movements? Ummm, yeah I don't know.  I tend to check out when things get hard but now I see that maybe I need to go a different route.  I know see how cooking healthy meals might be an easier road that the five shots, three pills, and three finger spokes a day for my diabetes that keeps getting worse.  I also sounds easier than having to take a pill for my high blood pressure, two pills for my throat ulcer, a pill to control the nausea, a pill to control the stomach pain and another for when the pain is unbearable.  Oh yeah I won't have to take that pill to control my allergic reaction to the pepper I'm eating in the meals I'm buying. 

I'm willing to see if eating better will help my chronic inflammation.  I'm willing to try anything.  The shot and the two pills didn't help so let's try something radical. 

It is crazy.....CRAZY!!!! What I've subjected myself to just to take the easy road and not cook or eat health.  I've seriously been this checked out of my own life that this is the "easy" road I chose to take.  CRAZY!!!!!